So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
