I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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