I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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