on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
