I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I need moral support for this bender
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize