Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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