I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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