there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
