All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
