Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
