FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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