I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
