What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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