My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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