but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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