I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
