Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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