oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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