Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
