Someone shit on the floor
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Randomize
