I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
