He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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