My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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