Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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