If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
