Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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