we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
