I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
