It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
