if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
