I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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