she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
