I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
