I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
