this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
