laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
