Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So many bounce houses so little time
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
