I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
