when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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