if i can run in heels then i can drive
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize