I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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