not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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