chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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