I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
