what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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