Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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