just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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