someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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