i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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