I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
