Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
