Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
