Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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