Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
