Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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